Confident, Powerful, Free!

Recently I began running again, pretty much as soon as my catheter that went into my juglar vein came out.  I guess that this is a poor introduction...so let's try again.  I will revisit the running.

I found out November 18th, 2011, that my kidneys were no longer functioning.  I knew I was sick; I simply thought that I had the flu for the past month.  When I found out I was crushed.  My father had passed away in 2008, and he was a dialysis patient.  I saw how it seemed to drain him of life each time he went.  He stuck it out for 3 years before passing, and I miss him.  I felt so guilty...what did I do to my body to destroy my kidneys? And the answer: sometimes shit happens. You can't change the past, maybe you don't want to, but make the best of what you're given today.  So I did, and this takes me back to running. 

I have always been a runner, off and on at most, but still a runner since my brothers decided that running would be a great way for all of us to get into shape.  We toughed it out, and decided we loved how we felt when we ran. So empowered, so free, so confident. I met a disaster of a man and he managed to take away my confidence, remove my sense of empowerment, and confine me in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship.  I not only gave him the power, but I also tried to convince myself he was a better man than he actually was.  He would keep me from my family, my friends, and most of all, my running.  Running made me strong, and he couldn't stand it when I presented a backbone.  I got into the worst shape of my life, started smoking, and began a long period of self hatred.  When he was sent to a boot camp for criminals, I changed my attitude.  I went back to being a strong, independent woman with confidence.  I took my daughter, who was also a victim of his narcissistic behavior, and we moved into my parent's place, where I should have been from the start.  I stopped smoking cold turkey, and started running.   My family and friends loved the fact that I went back to being the woman I was before, but I was loyal.  Too loyal.  I took back the disaster, because he convinced me that he had changed in confinement.  Ladies, and Men, when someone tells you that they have changed, give them a simple test.  Continue to be the person that you are and see how they react.  Eventually, when they do not have the power to control and demean you, they will leave.  He left me, and it was the best thing that could have ever happened!  I felt for our daughter, because she did not understand why her father suddenly didn't want a thing to do with either of us. (He had met someone else online that promised him better treatment) I was honest with her...some people can only think of themselves in every situation.  They are just hardwired that way, and they can't help it.  But it doesn't mean we have to keep on letting those people hurt us.

So...how does this lend into running and dialysis?  I have become a woman who believes that you must fight to be true to yourself, you must fight adversity whether it be even your own body that makes it difficult to continue living, or people around you that want to hurt you.  I want you to know that it is possible to fight, to become stronger each day, especially when you surround yourself with the love of family and friends.  I am currently training for a half marathon.  I never ran long distances, I think 8 miles was the longest I ever ran and that was a fluke for me. But I am determined to do what I believed was impossible before, simply to prove that I can do what my mind, heart and soul determines. And so can you.