Queen Vashti Rocks!

  Today I felt like reading about major female figures in the Bible, and since the book of Esther is "jacked up" as far as numerical order in my bible, I thought I could try to read and understand it.  Some parts of the Bible bother me, and there were a few verses in Esther that definitely bothered me.

  For anyone who is familiar with the story of Esther, the story seems to weave romance, suspense, and vindication all into a beautiful story of God's people.  The Jewish people face annihilation, only to have their fate held in the faithful hands of Esther.  As a woman, Esther holds so much power, more power than is generally attributed to a woman.  But she has to be sneaky about it.

  The entire reason that Esther is even in the position of Queen to King Ahasuerus is that Queen Vashti, the original wife/queen, was deposed because of her pride.  And I can't blame her one bit...

  Imagine it--you are a beautiful and desirable woman, who happens to be a queen to a king who is powerful and rich.  Your husband loves to throw lavish parties to show off all of his riches to all of his big-shot and important friends, where they get drunk and stupid.  The trade-off is that you are rich and you can wear beautiful clothes and jewelry, and enjoy your own parties with your friends. There is just one drawback--you are also property--like the finest linen, expensive jewelry, you are simply an adornment.  And when your husband is feeling especially good and ostentatious, you have to go and parade around in front of his drooling, drunk friends.  And as property you have no rights, the King will take "no refusal."  When Queen Vashti refused to be sent for as a party favor, a base form of amusement for a bunch of inebriated idiots, I fist-pumped and hooted "You rock, Queen Vashti! Don't let a man treat you like a possession!  You are more than a beauty contestant." 

  However, I would be banished right there with Vashti.  The King and his officials were  angry with her refusal to obey the King's command, and were even afraid that she would become a model to their wives and the wives of men all over, powerful and impoverished.  If she wasn't made into an example, women all over might decide to think for themselves and refuse to obey their husbands' commands.  Women were only allowed to be objects of beauty, bear their husband his line of heirs, and obey his commands.

  Apparently in the Old Testament, that is exactly the position of a woman in biblical times.  Some of the women did take their surrounding situations into their own hands and changed the history of their people.  Judith used her beauty to enamor the commander of King Nebuchadnezzar, Holofernes, and by cutting off his head she thwarts the destruction of the Jewish people.  Delilah used her beauty and excessive nagging to learn Samson's secret and handed him over to the Philistines, contributing to his eventual destruction.  Not only are these women beautiful to behold, but the true "great" women were also submissive, wise--as in the art of supplicating to a man--and faithful.  Ruth was loyal to her mother-in-law and accompanied her to a foreign land and followed her instructions to the letter.  Instructions that had her lay at the feet of Boaz on the threshing floor, which if caught, she would be assumed as his "evening entertainment" and her value subsequently ruined. Queen Vashti might have had trouble with resigning herself to behaving as a man's plaything. Perhaps she was one of the original feminists, or maybe she was just fed up with the drunken demands of her husband.  Whatever her reasons, I found that I identified with her more than Esther.  

  Esther used her beauty, and her genteel manner to catch the attention of the king.  Not only did she catch the eye of King Ahasuerus, but she also found favor with the King's eunuch who was in charge of his harem.  She was a model example of a woman--beautiful, dainty (she fainted when she first approaches the King and he falls all over her in concern), and proper, knowing when to approach her king, and when to be quietly invisible.  She believed in God, and put her faith and love of her people ahead of her own life.  Esther, the perfect queen, used her intelligence to trick her enemy, Haman, and saved her beloved Jewish people from annhilation. She was simply perfect.

  Sometimes women aren't perfect.  Most of the time we're like Queen Vashti and want to be our own person, not someone else's property.  It's great to feel loved and valued, but more so for our inner self. Ideal beauty and the readiness to submit to a masculine culture should not be the scale in which we assess our value.  It is not wrong to want to be desirable, or clever, or faithful to those who are worthy of such loyalty.  It is wrong to hide your true potential underneath an empty facade of inequality.  I love my husband, and we share mutual respect, but I am not his property.  I am his partner, and I have my own opinion, and unfortunately for those around me, I express it readily and often.  I will not be silenced if I feel that what I must say is true or important, and I hope God feels that he can use me just as readily as he has used Ruth, Esther, and Judith , and so many important women in the bible.  I just hope he lets me do it with my own twist.  I WANT TO ROCK!

  

Not Paradise Lost, But Paradise Unrecognized

   I was reading this morning in Genesis about Eve--how she came to be, her life within the Garden of Eden, and at last her downfall.  I couldn't help but wonder why would someone who is given everything beautiful, new and pure in a virtual paradise risk their happiness for the unknown? Imagine it...a beautiful warm and green and lush place that is filled with every kind of tantalizing fruits, the animals and birds fearless and friendly, and the pristine environment surrounding you with a quiet peace.  And to live in this Paradise, all you have to do is not eat from one little tree.  One tree, out of every tree in the garden.  One type of fruit that was forbidden.  How could Eve let herself be manipulated into giving everything up for something she wasn't even sure would be worth it?   

   I shook my head as I read about Eve, and I did the usual tsk-tsking.  But as I thought back to my past, I realized that I was very much like Eve.  When I was a child I felt that so much excitement and wonder awaited me--as soon as I grew up.  Everything would be better when I could do all the things that grown ups do.  Don't get me wrong, there are so many wonderful things that I enjoy doing that only grown ups should do, but I missed so many things by not living in the moment.  Maybe my memory has put a golden haze on my past, as my childhood did have it's hurts and humiliations, but the older I get, the more cherished my memories become.  I grew up with two wonderful brothers, a cousin who was like a sister, and a beautiful farm where we raised cattle, chickens, and hogs.  I had favorite pets who were more like close friends, and I didn't need constant television, games, or movies to entertain me.  I had an amazing imagination.  I know that I was blessed, and my cup was filled to the brim and continued to flow with all the good things in life.  However, I wanted what I didn't know, what I didn't have any experience with.  I felt like I was missing out on something...I was always eager to do what was the next big thing.

   Eve saw her chance for the next big thing--she would be like God in the sense that she would know the difference between right and wrong.  It is highly possible that she didn't realize the ramifications of such a knowledge, but she knew that she wanted to be like God.  God who knew everything, who created such an awe-inspiring paradise.  Eve's mistake, like mine, was that she didn't focus on the gift of the here and now...what was unknown was much more enticing.  Like Eve, I had a taste of paradise...I enjoyed growing up with the freedom to live, love others freely, and enjoy the beauty of my surroundings, and I continued to look to the beyond.  I missed the point of life as a growing child.  The beauty in life was realized in an afterthought, not the focus of the present.  I only hope that I can impress upon my daughter, that today is the focus, the present is paradise.  Looking ahead has its value, but it shouldn't remain at the obsessive forefront.  I want her to be in the moment, to revel in the here and now, not years from now when bills, illness, heartbreak, and loss of close ones prevail in adult life.  The innocence of childhood should be held closely to our hearts, and valued as treasure.  That is the paradise we should be content to live within.

Will the Average American Be A Threat To Society???

   Today has been a day for uneasiness, a day that has been creeping up on the American people for the past few years.  When Obama was originally voted in office Congress split into angry, petty children and refused to work together for the remainder of his term. People were exasperated, frustrated.  The next election was incredibly close, but the majority of the people believed in being positive, and worried about health care coverage and equality for women many voted for Obama again, figuring that the government movers and shakers would give up their petty disagreements and once again move and shake for the good of the country.
   The American People have been fooled, bamboozled. The government officials that were elected for the good of the people still wage petty wars against each other, each pointing the finger of blame and no one listening to the concerns of the people.
   However, the government hasn't completely ignored the cries of the people!  Gun violence has become rampant, and the only way to solve it is to make sure that people cannot legally buy assault weaponry, or the ammunition for the weapons they already own.  Currently a hot topic President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden are aggressively pushing for massive gun control.  The American People would be protected when  certain guns are removed from their grasp. Citizens must give up all the "scary" guns owned by those who obey the law and the government will offer protection.  Americans won't buy bullets, simply get out a "Louisville Slugger" or an aluminum baseball bat.  Such an approach works on possums, why not violent home invasion criminals?  But violent criminals will not play dead, or back into a corner snarling.  Gun toting criminals (they use guns because they don't follow the rules--hence the word criminals) are more like angry and belligerent skunks.  And when clubbing a skunk, someone is bound to get sprayed.  What is going to prevent a criminal from illegally buying assault weapons that could be used against the average American and their family? Or robbing a law-abiding citizen who owns weapons?  And not just the good old assault weapons, maybe a shotgun, a deer rifle, or a handgun!  What is a victim to do when someone breaks down the door and threatens to kill their family for a few earthly possessions that mean nothing when held against the value of  life? Call the police...if they were able to instantly transport to the situation that might work, but not realistically possible at this time.  So taking away guns, the victim is left to "swing away" and maybe connect a few hits before meeting the business end of a gun obtained by criminals who don't respect gun laws.  And if a United States citizen does not obey a total gun ban are they a threat to society?
   The case made for gun rights may be over dramatized, and the outrage may be misplaced. Obama and Biden are merely attempting to institute some gun control laws that will protect the American people.  According to Obama and Biden, if the nation had stricter gun laws than innocent people would not have lost their lives in places that should be safe and untouchable.  An eloquent and emotional supposition which remains in the land of fairy tales. The British have banned guns, and gun violence is incredibly low. Yet knife violence is alive and well. What does this tell Americans who worry about the position of guns in these United States?  If we give the government the peoples' last line of defense, citizens will still have to find a way to defend themselves against people that wish to commit bodily harm to the innocent.  And if the government decides to enact unconstitutional laws and unfair treatment the members of a great nation will be powerless to stand against tyranny. No one person wishes to feel the absolute helplessness that comes with being at the mercy of any ruling that is independent of the American peoples' input.
   Andrew Jackson was the seventh president of the United States, and was voted by the popular vote of the people.  He was the first president to be elected based on his popularity rather than his views, creating a popularity contest instead of the position and views of the candidate.  Despite his popularity with the common people, the National Republican Party was split in two--on one side the Republicans who wanted John Quincy Adams, and on the other side the Democrats who supported Jackson.  Jackson ran with his overwhelming popularity.  He used his presidency powers to veto more than the previous presidents before him lending him the nickname, "King Andrew I."  He replaced his cabinet with his own loyal supporters in the name of supporting the good of the common people. He was a war hero, and it was a strong element in his election to the presidency.  If Jackson thought that it benefited the country, he put it into play, whether he was met with opposition or not.  He was popular with most of the people, but did he protect and serve all of the people as a president should?
  Why the history lesson? There is also one other thing "Old Hickory" President Jackson was responsible for in American history.   In 1832 the Supreme Court ruled in Worcester v. Georgia that the government could not force the Cherokee Indians to move off of the lands that they had tilled and lived in peaceful harmony for years.  However, Jackson pushed the Indian Removal Act from 1838-39 regardless of the ruling and forced 15,000 Cherokees onto what was later referred to as "The Trail of Tears."  Thousands of innocent lives were lost on that trail, and it was what President Jackson decided was best for his country.  When looking back on that part of in history Americans are shamed by the supposed superiority of the settlers, and are not proud of the treatment of the Native American people.  The United States of America should protect their children, and the lives of others who do not deserve to lose life at the whim of criminals and their illegal activities.  Yet can America submit to full and absolute control of such an action that in the future might lead to another sorrowful and shameful chapter in American history?  Absolute power corrupts absolutely.  As American citizens, it is by the rights of The People to be a part of future decisions, and be aware of what to support. If Americans stand together and make informed decisions they will not be a threat to society but rather the quintessential American.

It's A Crazy New Year

   Well, here we are in 2013, and I hadn't made any definite plans.  I mean, according to the Mayans, the Hopi, and the Republicans, the world was supposed to end before Christmas. So, intending to free up my calendar and just enjoy living in the moment, I got a little sidetracked and fell to the wayside a bit.  I was miserably ill before Christmas, felt like I was dying, and it took a couple of weeks before I came out of that rough period.  So since the world continued on as I secretly suspected it would, I am slowly coming back to my reality.
   My amazing cousin, more like a sister, is training for a marathon in April.  I am so inspired by this chick--she is crazy determined! Boot camp three times a week at the gym, 6 miles running on a couple of days, and that long run on the other day. What do I do? I try to help Gary, my husband, keep up with the wood cutting to fuel our wood stove in our utility building, and run as much as possible, and of course, the old dialysis chair. I feel like a straight wimp at times. So this Wednesday when sweet Chelle invited me to the gym to either join her class for the night or hit the treadmills, I was excited to join her. Now I did dialysis that day and drove up to Wichita, but I didn't have the nurses pull off too much fluid, so I felt pretty confident I would be fine. And no, I did NOT participate in the boot camp class. It focused on lifting weights, and my fistula arm is not supposed to be involved in too much weight lifting. So I introduced myself to a very sexy treadmill, and we hit it off immediately while Chelle went off to fine tune those guns she's developing.
   Sounds splendid, right? Well, it didn't stay that way.  Usually I run at speed 5, and go clean up to 6 or 7, depending on my "spunkiness" level, and this time I dragged it down to 4 1/2 to start off. I couldn't push myself too much, and ended up doing a little over 2 miles in 30 minutes. What a bummer! Usually I pull 3 miles out of 30 minutes! So I pushed the next 30 minutes into walking up high inclines and power walking on the lower levels. I'm used to my treadmill going for as long as I want at home, and this hot little number I was working with decided at 60 minutes it was quitting time. (Which is what I planned, but still--I like to be the one to call the shots!)
   That was not what let me know what pathetic shape I let myself get into recently. What got me into the realm of reality was my super sweet and kick ass cousin inviting me to the last of her session, the boot camp abs workout.  (I sit here at this moment trying not to use my abs at any point to move or pull myself off of this couch.)  Good Golly Miss Molly! We did 4 ab exercises--lying leg raise, heel high toe touch, bicycles, and the 15 second left, middle, and right planks.  Oh, and we repeated those 3 times! I did okay the first round, and by the second round my middle felt as though it had burned out to paralyzed numbness. My mind was willing to command my abs to function, but my stomach was bewildered, and my legs flopped crazily in chaotic patterns as I urged the command onward.  And my sweet, adorable cousin sprouted horns and a devilish grin as she cooed, "You're doing awesome! You can do it, just a few more, just a few more seconds!" Oh, how I love that girl, but how much more I loved the mat and the floor as I flopped after the sets. And now my abs are pissed. I could barely move off the bed this morning and rolled over my husband in an awkward effort to get up. My sides are sore to the touch and I can say only one thing....
   I LOVE IT!!!!  How awesome is it when you look in the mirror and you start to see everything that's wrong with you--lumpy thighs, pudgy tummy, and then after pushing yourself to achieve some goal in a workout your view suddenly shifts!!! I began to see thighs that could go for an hour on the treadmill, even after dialysis, and my stomach beginning to develop muscular tone.  I don't feel like such a slug anymore, I feel empowered! And that's what I love about the pain of beginning a new year of fitness--I feel that I have the power to do so many positive things, beginning with me and my health. I can only hope that others may find such a joy and peace within themselves.
   Oh, and sis, I will be working on those ab workouts at home, and the Jillian Michaels DVDs I got earlier this week. And when I come back, I will be better,  and WE WILL ROCK! Keep the flame of inspiration coming, you are amazing!

Run Forest Run!

Remember that movie?  I just love how everything is surging through Forest Gump's mind, he can't let it go, everything is barrelling down on him.  And what does he do to solve his unrest? He gets up, and runs until he reaches the coast.  Does that stop him? Nope, he just turns around and goes the opposite way. Back and forth until he reaches his place of peace.

Today was my Forest Gump day.  I have been dreading/anticipating my last long training run for the Prairie Fire Marathon in Wichita. I've been going through everything in my head and lately I have just been frustrated.  Last week I went through a rough training run, so I didn't know what to expect, and had no idea what I was capable of.  So, how do I solve my unease?  I ran.  I got up, cranky to be sure, but I got up and tied my shoes and met Duchess, my gigantic running partner, at the end of the driveway and we just ran. 

The last mile, mile twelve, caused the problem in my running out my issues.  As I turned the corner to begin the last half mile my left leg started to seize up with a deadening cramp.  But after going so far, I refused to let myself quit and walk.  And that is when the Forest Gump run REALLY began.  If you have ever gotten up after sitting on your leg, and the leg feels numb, excepting the pins and needles, and tried to walk much less run you know the futility of grace under pressure.  I began to run like Forest with his leg braces on, and instead of gracefully flying out of the metal contraptions, I would have shook them apart with my hobbling gait.  However, I finished, and I wobbled down the driveway. 

Today hurt...but I survived and I felt so much better for going for what I wanted.  When we seize the moment we may feel the pain from time to time, but never will we feel the pang of regret.

The Discovery, History, and Science Channels Are After Me!

A while back, not so long ago in human time, but what seems like eons to me now, I was a scared bit of humanity.  Not just a little jump at your shadow kind of thing, but the kind where your throat constricts and terror rises in your chest along with sour-tasting bile.  Your heart races, and your breathing becomes erratic.  No, I'm not talking about hiding from a serial killer, although I'm sure you would have those symptoms.  I'm talking about the fear that came from watching my favorite channels:  the History, Science, and Discovery channels on television.  I would work my backside off at work, come home defeated and tired, spend time with my family, and then in the evening try to unwind with those favorite channels.  And instead of relaxing, my stress would rise.

Why would those seemingly innocent channels terrify me?  Simply put, those channels began focusing on the end of the world scenarios, faulting humans for destroying the environment with capitalistic greed, or even an asteroid aimed at planetary obliteration.  Terror choked me as I listened about solar flares that could eventually burn out our known existence.  True, this is the year according to the Aztec calendar that the world is supposed to end, and those programs have really zeroed in on terror-stricken folk like myself to create a busy buzz, but I've always been of the belief that we will not know the time when the world ends.  And who would really want to?

And now...I guess you could say that choking terror has dissipated, disappeared into the night.  The intangible fear seems a little silly now, since I have been diagnosed with a terminal disease (renal failure--kidney disease).  That doesn't mean I expect to die any time soon, but death has become a sudden TANGIBLE part of my life.  It has changed my existence in this world, and changed my outlook on what is important in a person's life.  My family and friends have become the center of my life, my faith has been a strong support in my emotional well-being, and the little things in life have slipped to the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak.  Stress about the world ending in a horrific scenario has been tucked away into the "not-relevant" file.  What IS relevant is that we enjoy the life granted to us, that we share our joy with loved ones, and appreciate all the blessings that surround us. 

Sure, I still have some rotten days.  This past weekend was miserable from a treatment that took too much fluid off, and after a botched attempt at a training run I have been ill for the past two days.  I never enjoy being slapped in the face with my limitations; most of the time I try to pretend like I don't have any.  But there are those days when I find myself feeling those limitations, and I once again realize that I am truly fortunate to have those special people in my life.  My loved ones are there when I need someone to lean on and talk to.  Fear of the world ending isn't as terrifying as the thought of leaving this world without living to the fullest with the ones I love.   

Love and Family, Finally!

I have been through so many different experiences in my life that I can only feel blessed, and so many good things have happened during my time on earth.  I am not saying that I have not had sorrow in my life, or bad things happen.  Those things tend to find everyone in their lives from time to time.  However, I have learned so much from the mistakes in my life, and have found myself in a better place now because of it.
For example, my husband that I cherish, the father my daughter adores, the son-in-law that my mother loves would never have met me if I hadn't been introduced by his sister-in-law, one of my friends.  Thank you Tish!  I was at a point where I had not had a positive experience with men, and I was just tired of trying to find someone who fit my ideals.  In essence, I had given up.  When Tish told me about her husband's "adopted" brother, fresh in from Florida, I wasn't enthusiastic.  I figured he would be a jerk like every guy I seemed to be attracted to.  But I firmly believe in that you should give people at least one chance.  So we exchanged phone numbers and talked to each other a few times before we agreed to meet.  At this time, I was running every day after work, and had a few ideas on what I might meet.  Maybe I would find someone who would enjoy running with me, and we would share all kinds of interests and hobbies.  Instead, as I talked to my future husband I realized that was not going to happen.  A victim of strenuous labor and a thrice broken leg, and damaged back, my husband was not going to do any running with me.  He was an avid and enthusiastic fisherman, and he loved to drink beer with "the guys".  Heck, I'm not against drinking, used to do a lot of it myself, but the point was that he was not the image I had created in my head as the perfect guy for me.  Yet as we walked and talked, I became cautiously excited.  The man in my dreams was there; as we talked we laughed and I enjoyed sharing so much with him and I couldn't wait to see him again. 
Gary has put up with so much with me.  I'm not the easiest woman to deal with, and I have a temper at times.  I can be emotional, especially when watching chick flicks, and am stubborn to a fault.  He has pointed out that there are very few times that I don't do what I want, and of course we differ on a few things on raising our daughter.  But there are the important things I value above all.
Gary loves me unconditionally, and here I am blessed  beyond what I deserve.  He adopted Snowden--she is all his now, and she loves the fact that she has a daddy who loves and takes time to be with her.  He has helped all of us so much, especially when my father passed away.  My mother was destroyed, and we wanted to help her as much as possible. Gary made that happen, by taking care of so many things, fixing the house, and building her a fish pond waterfall feature that she had wanted for so many years.  When I was diagnosed with Renal Failure, and it was a grim time at that, he was supportive of me and never left me, unless I kicked him out of the room.  He was also as good as Hitler when it came to my new diet!  If I was weak, he was my voice of  reason, and he has helped me with all the surgeries and things that I go through. 
The biggest thing about my true love--he lets me know he loves me.  I can hug him, and tell him I love him, and he does the same for me.  He doesn't shrug me off or ignore me.  He seems to know that I have to have that contact, especially when I'm not sure how much time I have left to me.  I want to enjoy every bit of time I have with those I love, and I know that God has blessed me with love.