Remember that movie? I just love how everything is surging through Forest Gump's mind, he can't let it go, everything is barrelling down on him. And what does he do to solve his unrest? He gets up, and runs until he reaches the coast. Does that stop him? Nope, he just turns around and goes the opposite way. Back and forth until he reaches his place of peace.
Today was my Forest Gump day. I have been dreading/anticipating my last long training run for the Prairie Fire Marathon in Wichita. I've been going through everything in my head and lately I have just been frustrated. Last week I went through a rough training run, so I didn't know what to expect, and had no idea what I was capable of. So, how do I solve my unease? I ran. I got up, cranky to be sure, but I got up and tied my shoes and met Duchess, my gigantic running partner, at the end of the driveway and we just ran.
The last mile, mile twelve, caused the problem in my running out my issues. As I turned the corner to begin the last half mile my left leg started to seize up with a deadening cramp. But after going so far, I refused to let myself quit and walk. And that is when the Forest Gump run REALLY began. If you have ever gotten up after sitting on your leg, and the leg feels numb, excepting the pins and needles, and tried to walk much less run you know the futility of grace under pressure. I began to run like Forest with his leg braces on, and instead of gracefully flying out of the metal contraptions, I would have shook them apart with my hobbling gait. However, I finished, and I wobbled down the driveway.
Today hurt...but I survived and I felt so much better for going for what I wanted. When we seize the moment we may feel the pain from time to time, but never will we feel the pang of regret.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
The Discovery, History, and Science Channels Are After Me!
A while back, not so long ago in human time, but what seems like eons to me now, I was a scared bit of humanity. Not just a little jump at your shadow kind of thing, but the kind where your throat constricts and terror rises in your chest along with sour-tasting bile. Your heart races, and your breathing becomes erratic. No, I'm not talking about hiding from a serial killer, although I'm sure you would have those symptoms. I'm talking about the fear that came from watching my favorite channels: the History, Science, and Discovery channels on television. I would work my backside off at work, come home defeated and tired, spend time with my family, and then in the evening try to unwind with those favorite channels. And instead of relaxing, my stress would rise.
Why would those seemingly innocent channels terrify me? Simply put, those channels began focusing on the end of the world scenarios, faulting humans for destroying the environment with capitalistic greed, or even an asteroid aimed at planetary obliteration. Terror choked me as I listened about solar flares that could eventually burn out our known existence. True, this is the year according to the Aztec calendar that the world is supposed to end, and those programs have really zeroed in on terror-stricken folk like myself to create a busy buzz, but I've always been of the belief that we will not know the time when the world ends. And who would really want to?
And now...I guess you could say that choking terror has dissipated, disappeared into the night. The intangible fear seems a little silly now, since I have been diagnosed with a terminal disease (renal failure--kidney disease). That doesn't mean I expect to die any time soon, but death has become a sudden TANGIBLE part of my life. It has changed my existence in this world, and changed my outlook on what is important in a person's life. My family and friends have become the center of my life, my faith has been a strong support in my emotional well-being, and the little things in life have slipped to the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak. Stress about the world ending in a horrific scenario has been tucked away into the "not-relevant" file. What IS relevant is that we enjoy the life granted to us, that we share our joy with loved ones, and appreciate all the blessings that surround us.
Sure, I still have some rotten days. This past weekend was miserable from a treatment that took too much fluid off, and after a botched attempt at a training run I have been ill for the past two days. I never enjoy being slapped in the face with my limitations; most of the time I try to pretend like I don't have any. But there are those days when I find myself feeling those limitations, and I once again realize that I am truly fortunate to have those special people in my life. My loved ones are there when I need someone to lean on and talk to. Fear of the world ending isn't as terrifying as the thought of leaving this world without living to the fullest with the ones I love.
Why would those seemingly innocent channels terrify me? Simply put, those channels began focusing on the end of the world scenarios, faulting humans for destroying the environment with capitalistic greed, or even an asteroid aimed at planetary obliteration. Terror choked me as I listened about solar flares that could eventually burn out our known existence. True, this is the year according to the Aztec calendar that the world is supposed to end, and those programs have really zeroed in on terror-stricken folk like myself to create a busy buzz, but I've always been of the belief that we will not know the time when the world ends. And who would really want to?
And now...I guess you could say that choking terror has dissipated, disappeared into the night. The intangible fear seems a little silly now, since I have been diagnosed with a terminal disease (renal failure--kidney disease). That doesn't mean I expect to die any time soon, but death has become a sudden TANGIBLE part of my life. It has changed my existence in this world, and changed my outlook on what is important in a person's life. My family and friends have become the center of my life, my faith has been a strong support in my emotional well-being, and the little things in life have slipped to the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak. Stress about the world ending in a horrific scenario has been tucked away into the "not-relevant" file. What IS relevant is that we enjoy the life granted to us, that we share our joy with loved ones, and appreciate all the blessings that surround us.
Sure, I still have some rotten days. This past weekend was miserable from a treatment that took too much fluid off, and after a botched attempt at a training run I have been ill for the past two days. I never enjoy being slapped in the face with my limitations; most of the time I try to pretend like I don't have any. But there are those days when I find myself feeling those limitations, and I once again realize that I am truly fortunate to have those special people in my life. My loved ones are there when I need someone to lean on and talk to. Fear of the world ending isn't as terrifying as the thought of leaving this world without living to the fullest with the ones I love.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Love and Family, Finally!
I have been through so many different experiences in my life that I can only feel blessed, and so many good things have happened during my time on earth. I am not saying that I have not had sorrow in my life, or bad things happen. Those things tend to find everyone in their lives from time to time. However, I have learned so much from the mistakes in my life, and have found myself in a better place now because of it.
For example, my husband that I cherish, the father my daughter adores, the son-in-law that my mother loves would never have met me if I hadn't been introduced by his sister-in-law, one of my friends. Thank you Tish! I was at a point where I had not had a positive experience with men, and I was just tired of trying to find someone who fit my ideals. In essence, I had given up. When Tish told me about her husband's "adopted" brother, fresh in from Florida, I wasn't enthusiastic. I figured he would be a jerk like every guy I seemed to be attracted to. But I firmly believe in that you should give people at least one chance. So we exchanged phone numbers and talked to each other a few times before we agreed to meet. At this time, I was running every day after work, and had a few ideas on what I might meet. Maybe I would find someone who would enjoy running with me, and we would share all kinds of interests and hobbies. Instead, as I talked to my future husband I realized that was not going to happen. A victim of strenuous labor and a thrice broken leg, and damaged back, my husband was not going to do any running with me. He was an avid and enthusiastic fisherman, and he loved to drink beer with "the guys". Heck, I'm not against drinking, used to do a lot of it myself, but the point was that he was not the image I had created in my head as the perfect guy for me. Yet as we walked and talked, I became cautiously excited. The man in my dreams was there; as we talked we laughed and I enjoyed sharing so much with him and I couldn't wait to see him again.
Gary has put up with so much with me. I'm not the easiest woman to deal with, and I have a temper at times. I can be emotional, especially when watching chick flicks, and am stubborn to a fault. He has pointed out that there are very few times that I don't do what I want, and of course we differ on a few things on raising our daughter. But there are the important things I value above all.
Gary loves me unconditionally, and here I am blessed beyond what I deserve. He adopted Snowden--she is all his now, and she loves the fact that she has a daddy who loves and takes time to be with her. He has helped all of us so much, especially when my father passed away. My mother was destroyed, and we wanted to help her as much as possible. Gary made that happen, by taking care of so many things, fixing the house, and building her a fish pond waterfall feature that she had wanted for so many years. When I was diagnosed with Renal Failure, and it was a grim time at that, he was supportive of me and never left me, unless I kicked him out of the room. He was also as good as Hitler when it came to my new diet! If I was weak, he was my voice of reason, and he has helped me with all the surgeries and things that I go through.
The biggest thing about my true love--he lets me know he loves me. I can hug him, and tell him I love him, and he does the same for me. He doesn't shrug me off or ignore me. He seems to know that I have to have that contact, especially when I'm not sure how much time I have left to me. I want to enjoy every bit of time I have with those I love, and I know that God has blessed me with love.
For example, my husband that I cherish, the father my daughter adores, the son-in-law that my mother loves would never have met me if I hadn't been introduced by his sister-in-law, one of my friends. Thank you Tish! I was at a point where I had not had a positive experience with men, and I was just tired of trying to find someone who fit my ideals. In essence, I had given up. When Tish told me about her husband's "adopted" brother, fresh in from Florida, I wasn't enthusiastic. I figured he would be a jerk like every guy I seemed to be attracted to. But I firmly believe in that you should give people at least one chance. So we exchanged phone numbers and talked to each other a few times before we agreed to meet. At this time, I was running every day after work, and had a few ideas on what I might meet. Maybe I would find someone who would enjoy running with me, and we would share all kinds of interests and hobbies. Instead, as I talked to my future husband I realized that was not going to happen. A victim of strenuous labor and a thrice broken leg, and damaged back, my husband was not going to do any running with me. He was an avid and enthusiastic fisherman, and he loved to drink beer with "the guys". Heck, I'm not against drinking, used to do a lot of it myself, but the point was that he was not the image I had created in my head as the perfect guy for me. Yet as we walked and talked, I became cautiously excited. The man in my dreams was there; as we talked we laughed and I enjoyed sharing so much with him and I couldn't wait to see him again.
Gary has put up with so much with me. I'm not the easiest woman to deal with, and I have a temper at times. I can be emotional, especially when watching chick flicks, and am stubborn to a fault. He has pointed out that there are very few times that I don't do what I want, and of course we differ on a few things on raising our daughter. But there are the important things I value above all.
Gary loves me unconditionally, and here I am blessed beyond what I deserve. He adopted Snowden--she is all his now, and she loves the fact that she has a daddy who loves and takes time to be with her. He has helped all of us so much, especially when my father passed away. My mother was destroyed, and we wanted to help her as much as possible. Gary made that happen, by taking care of so many things, fixing the house, and building her a fish pond waterfall feature that she had wanted for so many years. When I was diagnosed with Renal Failure, and it was a grim time at that, he was supportive of me and never left me, unless I kicked him out of the room. He was also as good as Hitler when it came to my new diet! If I was weak, he was my voice of reason, and he has helped me with all the surgeries and things that I go through.
The biggest thing about my true love--he lets me know he loves me. I can hug him, and tell him I love him, and he does the same for me. He doesn't shrug me off or ignore me. He seems to know that I have to have that contact, especially when I'm not sure how much time I have left to me. I want to enjoy every bit of time I have with those I love, and I know that God has blessed me with love.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Politics Are Not Good For My High Blood Pressure!
As a dialysis patient I contine to struggle with keeping my blood pressure at a nice healthy level. In fact, sometimes when I get my pressure to a REALLY good level I have horrible headaches. Crazy, huh? I take Amlodopine, which has been helping, and I have been running consistently, so that helps as well. What doesn't help? P.O.L.I.T.I.C.S. Namely, ignorant posts from both sides.
Okay, I'll admit it. Out of Romney and Obama, my vote is for Obama. But I have some good reasons for that, and being a dialysis patient is one of them. One, I rely on Medicare, because not one insurance company will pay long term for dialysis. And unless I get a kidney soon, I will still be relying on dialysis to keep me alive. Romney and Ryan aren't exactly friendly with the "Obamacare" plan, even though it was based on Romney's health care reform in Massachusetts. Say Romney does get in, he and his Republican pals overturn the health care reform, I have a preexisting condition. Which means Romney's fat cat insurance companies can either turn me down for coverage, or charge me an exorbitant amount, which I will not be able to afford. Then boom, I will do my best to continue, but if my life depends on having a butt-load of money, it's been nice knowing you! Two, once again, I do not have a butt-load of money, so I'm in the wrong tax bracket for Romney. I mean, he wants to squeeze more money out of the group of working people that can barely afford to pay for the necessities, forget the luxuries. And the rich...well, let's just say he won't be punishing them by expecting them to forgo their vacation homes, Caiman Island bank accounts and pay their share of taxes. The Republicans are desperate to get Romney in office because Obama has already declared that the wealthy need to contribute their fair share to the growth of the American economy. Oh hell no! What?! The wealthy pay their share??? Obama got to go! The Republicans in Congress have even admitted that their main priority is getting Obama out of office, not repairing the economy by helping to create more jobs, or any other positive program that Obama has initiated. Hell, Romney said let Detroit car companies go bankrupt, let the middle class continue to lose their homes in foreclosures, it will be fine, the country would recover. I noticed that his life would not be affected; he doesn't care if American jobs are outsourced to other countries. That's good for his business--the business of lining his own pockets! That's how he made the bulk of his money folks, at least the money that he didn't inherit from his rich parents. I don't know Romney, I never would know Romney or his circle of friends, and I would be thrown out of their country club. So why would I vote for him? Three, I am a WOMAN. The Republican party is not very favorable to the woman this election. What would you do if you had been a victim of a horribe crime--rape? And when you found yourself pregnant, you are told that it couldn't have been a "legitimate" rape if your body carries the fetus from your attacker. If it was "legitimate" rape, your body would just naturally abort the fetus, so on some level you must have wanted it. Right, Representative Todd Akin? Oh, and a man can tell me what I can do with my body, including planned parenthood. I am firmly against abortion...but that is my personal decision for myself. I do not presume to write my personal beliefs into a stone tablet for all to follow. That's God's job, and last time I checked, God is not Republican. Jesus would have been in the wrong tax bracket to be a successful Republican. Jesus did not own real estate, and his method of transportation was his own two feet, so how does the Republican party represent him?! Roe vs. Wade actually has helped women control what happens to their body, and not just in abortion. What about a woman who disagrees with her husbands and doctors and fights to KEEP her baby? It happened. A woman who had tried for several years with her husband finally conceived and then found out she had cancer. Cancer, people! Instead of aborting the fetus and undergoing treatment, she opted to keep her baby and rejected chemotherapy. Her husband and doctor actually took her to court to FORCE her to have an abortion against her wishes. Luckily, Roe vs. Wade was there for her. She got to keep her baby. And like hell someone is going to tell me what to do with my body, so go take a long walk off a short pier Republicans! I used to proudly claim to be a Republican, but recently I had to change my party.
I have found that there is not one perfect party...there is not one perfect person. But that's okay, we're not a perfect nation. But until we come together to help each other, not ourselves, we will FAIL! Why are so many going hungry, without jobs, without homes, and so many on the other side of the spectrum with several extravagant houses and cars, vacation homes in other countries, and a complete lack of concern for the direction our country is headed for? When did we try to pigeon hole everyone into one type of religion and thrive on hate between cultures without concern for the pain caused by blind intolerance? When will we realize that unless we change our views and our lifestyles we are most likely going to destroy our planet? The almighty dollar will tear us apart, from limb to limb if we let it. Why can't we have the Star Trek society? Everyone works, is a useful part of society, but everyone does it for a higher reward such as knowledge. The necessities are taken care of, because we take care of each other, and live for the highest ideals. Yep, I'm a Trekkie. That is probably why society today disgusts me so intensely at times. Get rid of alcohol, get rid of drugs, and develop better medicine. (I'll take that pill that grows me a new kidney any day!) Sigh. It is finished, I will stop my ranting. Most likely I will pull out some old Star Treks, they seem to help me escape the insanity beautifully. Engage!
Okay, I'll admit it. Out of Romney and Obama, my vote is for Obama. But I have some good reasons for that, and being a dialysis patient is one of them. One, I rely on Medicare, because not one insurance company will pay long term for dialysis. And unless I get a kidney soon, I will still be relying on dialysis to keep me alive. Romney and Ryan aren't exactly friendly with the "Obamacare" plan, even though it was based on Romney's health care reform in Massachusetts. Say Romney does get in, he and his Republican pals overturn the health care reform, I have a preexisting condition. Which means Romney's fat cat insurance companies can either turn me down for coverage, or charge me an exorbitant amount, which I will not be able to afford. Then boom, I will do my best to continue, but if my life depends on having a butt-load of money, it's been nice knowing you! Two, once again, I do not have a butt-load of money, so I'm in the wrong tax bracket for Romney. I mean, he wants to squeeze more money out of the group of working people that can barely afford to pay for the necessities, forget the luxuries. And the rich...well, let's just say he won't be punishing them by expecting them to forgo their vacation homes, Caiman Island bank accounts and pay their share of taxes. The Republicans are desperate to get Romney in office because Obama has already declared that the wealthy need to contribute their fair share to the growth of the American economy. Oh hell no! What?! The wealthy pay their share??? Obama got to go! The Republicans in Congress have even admitted that their main priority is getting Obama out of office, not repairing the economy by helping to create more jobs, or any other positive program that Obama has initiated. Hell, Romney said let Detroit car companies go bankrupt, let the middle class continue to lose their homes in foreclosures, it will be fine, the country would recover. I noticed that his life would not be affected; he doesn't care if American jobs are outsourced to other countries. That's good for his business--the business of lining his own pockets! That's how he made the bulk of his money folks, at least the money that he didn't inherit from his rich parents. I don't know Romney, I never would know Romney or his circle of friends, and I would be thrown out of their country club. So why would I vote for him? Three, I am a WOMAN. The Republican party is not very favorable to the woman this election. What would you do if you had been a victim of a horribe crime--rape? And when you found yourself pregnant, you are told that it couldn't have been a "legitimate" rape if your body carries the fetus from your attacker. If it was "legitimate" rape, your body would just naturally abort the fetus, so on some level you must have wanted it. Right, Representative Todd Akin? Oh, and a man can tell me what I can do with my body, including planned parenthood. I am firmly against abortion...but that is my personal decision for myself. I do not presume to write my personal beliefs into a stone tablet for all to follow. That's God's job, and last time I checked, God is not Republican. Jesus would have been in the wrong tax bracket to be a successful Republican. Jesus did not own real estate, and his method of transportation was his own two feet, so how does the Republican party represent him?! Roe vs. Wade actually has helped women control what happens to their body, and not just in abortion. What about a woman who disagrees with her husbands and doctors and fights to KEEP her baby? It happened. A woman who had tried for several years with her husband finally conceived and then found out she had cancer. Cancer, people! Instead of aborting the fetus and undergoing treatment, she opted to keep her baby and rejected chemotherapy. Her husband and doctor actually took her to court to FORCE her to have an abortion against her wishes. Luckily, Roe vs. Wade was there for her. She got to keep her baby. And like hell someone is going to tell me what to do with my body, so go take a long walk off a short pier Republicans! I used to proudly claim to be a Republican, but recently I had to change my party.
I have found that there is not one perfect party...there is not one perfect person. But that's okay, we're not a perfect nation. But until we come together to help each other, not ourselves, we will FAIL! Why are so many going hungry, without jobs, without homes, and so many on the other side of the spectrum with several extravagant houses and cars, vacation homes in other countries, and a complete lack of concern for the direction our country is headed for? When did we try to pigeon hole everyone into one type of religion and thrive on hate between cultures without concern for the pain caused by blind intolerance? When will we realize that unless we change our views and our lifestyles we are most likely going to destroy our planet? The almighty dollar will tear us apart, from limb to limb if we let it. Why can't we have the Star Trek society? Everyone works, is a useful part of society, but everyone does it for a higher reward such as knowledge. The necessities are taken care of, because we take care of each other, and live for the highest ideals. Yep, I'm a Trekkie. That is probably why society today disgusts me so intensely at times. Get rid of alcohol, get rid of drugs, and develop better medicine. (I'll take that pill that grows me a new kidney any day!) Sigh. It is finished, I will stop my ranting. Most likely I will pull out some old Star Treks, they seem to help me escape the insanity beautifully. Engage!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Confident, Powerful, Free!
Recently I began running again, pretty much as soon as my catheter that went into my juglar vein came out. I guess that this is a poor introduction...so let's try again. I will revisit the running.
I found out November 18th, 2011, that my kidneys were no longer functioning. I knew I was sick; I simply thought that I had the flu for the past month. When I found out I was crushed. My father had passed away in 2008, and he was a dialysis patient. I saw how it seemed to drain him of life each time he went. He stuck it out for 3 years before passing, and I miss him. I felt so guilty...what did I do to my body to destroy my kidneys? And the answer: sometimes shit happens. You can't change the past, maybe you don't want to, but make the best of what you're given today. So I did, and this takes me back to running.
I have always been a runner, off and on at most, but still a runner since my brothers decided that running would be a great way for all of us to get into shape. We toughed it out, and decided we loved how we felt when we ran. So empowered, so free, so confident. I met a disaster of a man and he managed to take away my confidence, remove my sense of empowerment, and confine me in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I not only gave him the power, but I also tried to convince myself he was a better man than he actually was. He would keep me from my family, my friends, and most of all, my running. Running made me strong, and he couldn't stand it when I presented a backbone. I got into the worst shape of my life, started smoking, and began a long period of self hatred. When he was sent to a boot camp for criminals, I changed my attitude. I went back to being a strong, independent woman with confidence. I took my daughter, who was also a victim of his narcissistic behavior, and we moved into my parent's place, where I should have been from the start. I stopped smoking cold turkey, and started running. My family and friends loved the fact that I went back to being the woman I was before, but I was loyal. Too loyal. I took back the disaster, because he convinced me that he had changed in confinement. Ladies, and Men, when someone tells you that they have changed, give them a simple test. Continue to be the person that you are and see how they react. Eventually, when they do not have the power to control and demean you, they will leave. He left me, and it was the best thing that could have ever happened! I felt for our daughter, because she did not understand why her father suddenly didn't want a thing to do with either of us. (He had met someone else online that promised him better treatment) I was honest with her...some people can only think of themselves in every situation. They are just hardwired that way, and they can't help it. But it doesn't mean we have to keep on letting those people hurt us.
So...how does this lend into running and dialysis? I have become a woman who believes that you must fight to be true to yourself, you must fight adversity whether it be even your own body that makes it difficult to continue living, or people around you that want to hurt you. I want you to know that it is possible to fight, to become stronger each day, especially when you surround yourself with the love of family and friends. I am currently training for a half marathon. I never ran long distances, I think 8 miles was the longest I ever ran and that was a fluke for me. But I am determined to do what I believed was impossible before, simply to prove that I can do what my mind, heart and soul determines. And so can you.
I found out November 18th, 2011, that my kidneys were no longer functioning. I knew I was sick; I simply thought that I had the flu for the past month. When I found out I was crushed. My father had passed away in 2008, and he was a dialysis patient. I saw how it seemed to drain him of life each time he went. He stuck it out for 3 years before passing, and I miss him. I felt so guilty...what did I do to my body to destroy my kidneys? And the answer: sometimes shit happens. You can't change the past, maybe you don't want to, but make the best of what you're given today. So I did, and this takes me back to running.
I have always been a runner, off and on at most, but still a runner since my brothers decided that running would be a great way for all of us to get into shape. We toughed it out, and decided we loved how we felt when we ran. So empowered, so free, so confident. I met a disaster of a man and he managed to take away my confidence, remove my sense of empowerment, and confine me in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I not only gave him the power, but I also tried to convince myself he was a better man than he actually was. He would keep me from my family, my friends, and most of all, my running. Running made me strong, and he couldn't stand it when I presented a backbone. I got into the worst shape of my life, started smoking, and began a long period of self hatred. When he was sent to a boot camp for criminals, I changed my attitude. I went back to being a strong, independent woman with confidence. I took my daughter, who was also a victim of his narcissistic behavior, and we moved into my parent's place, where I should have been from the start. I stopped smoking cold turkey, and started running. My family and friends loved the fact that I went back to being the woman I was before, but I was loyal. Too loyal. I took back the disaster, because he convinced me that he had changed in confinement. Ladies, and Men, when someone tells you that they have changed, give them a simple test. Continue to be the person that you are and see how they react. Eventually, when they do not have the power to control and demean you, they will leave. He left me, and it was the best thing that could have ever happened! I felt for our daughter, because she did not understand why her father suddenly didn't want a thing to do with either of us. (He had met someone else online that promised him better treatment) I was honest with her...some people can only think of themselves in every situation. They are just hardwired that way, and they can't help it. But it doesn't mean we have to keep on letting those people hurt us.
So...how does this lend into running and dialysis? I have become a woman who believes that you must fight to be true to yourself, you must fight adversity whether it be even your own body that makes it difficult to continue living, or people around you that want to hurt you. I want you to know that it is possible to fight, to become stronger each day, especially when you surround yourself with the love of family and friends. I am currently training for a half marathon. I never ran long distances, I think 8 miles was the longest I ever ran and that was a fluke for me. But I am determined to do what I believed was impossible before, simply to prove that I can do what my mind, heart and soul determines. And so can you.
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