A while back, not so long ago in human time, but what seems like eons to me now, I was a scared bit of humanity. Not just a little jump at your shadow kind of thing, but the kind where your throat constricts and terror rises in your chest along with sour-tasting bile. Your heart races, and your breathing becomes erratic. No, I'm not talking about hiding from a serial killer, although I'm sure you would have those symptoms. I'm talking about the fear that came from watching my favorite channels: the History, Science, and Discovery channels on television. I would work my backside off at work, come home defeated and tired, spend time with my family, and then in the evening try to unwind with those favorite channels. And instead of relaxing, my stress would rise.
Why would those seemingly innocent channels terrify me? Simply put, those channels began focusing on the end of the world scenarios, faulting humans for destroying the environment with capitalistic greed, or even an asteroid aimed at planetary obliteration. Terror choked me as I listened about solar flares that could eventually burn out our known existence. True, this is the year according to the Aztec calendar that the world is supposed to end, and those programs have really zeroed in on terror-stricken folk like myself to create a busy buzz, but I've always been of the belief that we will not know the time when the world ends. And who would really want to?
And now...I guess you could say that choking terror has dissipated, disappeared into the night. The intangible fear seems a little silly now, since I have been diagnosed with a terminal disease (renal failure--kidney disease). That doesn't mean I expect to die any time soon, but death has become a sudden TANGIBLE part of my life. It has changed my existence in this world, and changed my outlook on what is important in a person's life. My family and friends have become the center of my life, my faith has been a strong support in my emotional well-being, and the little things in life have slipped to the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak. Stress about the world ending in a horrific scenario has been tucked away into the "not-relevant" file. What IS relevant is that we enjoy the life granted to us, that we share our joy with loved ones, and appreciate all the blessings that surround us.
Sure, I still have some rotten days. This past weekend was miserable from a treatment that took too much fluid off, and after a botched attempt at a training run I have been ill for the past two days. I never enjoy being slapped in the face with my limitations; most of the time I try to pretend like I don't have any. But there are those days when I find myself feeling those limitations, and I once again realize that I am truly fortunate to have those special people in my life. My loved ones are there when I need someone to lean on and talk to. Fear of the world ending isn't as terrifying as the thought of leaving this world without living to the fullest with the ones I love.
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